The Potty Diaries

FOOD. As a society, even as a species, we are obsessed with it. Most homo sapiens view food as more than a mere necessity of survival, but an essential of the pleasure of life, hence the dominance of the preparation and ingestion of cuisine as a universal pastime. In fact #1 category among all non-fiction book sales is cookbooks.
This has led me to conjecture: Why do we ignore other side of the coin? If we paraphrase Sir Isaac Newtonís most profound discovery in the field of physics, "What Goes Up Must Come Down", and apply this to the field of gastroenterology, we come up with What Goes in Must Come Out. And thus I undertook to examine the relationship between what we eat, and what we excrete. Would the results purely random, or was there some definable correlation between INPUT and OUTPUT.

SLIDE 1So tonight I proudly present my 7 day case study to you, along with my personal logs; which is basically where I just plopped down whatever happened to come out.

SLIDE 2My face is flushed with excitement, but I also feel a load of apprehension building in my gut. No one in the scientific community has tried this before. It could place me on the throne of highly respected research pioneers, or if misunderstood, I could wind up down the sewer.  Here you see an accounting of the 1st days Input. Pretty typical meals and snacks for me. I wanted this to be as close to real life conditions as possible. Which leads us to:

SLIDE 3This little beauty right here. Please note the color and texture, for the purpose of comparison with future production models.

SLIDE 4  Im worried about my mainly vegetarian diet. Will this skew the results too far from the average and smear the objectivity? Is there, in fact, a quintessential "meat turd" that will escape the scope of my examination?

SLIDE 5Ahh, check these babies out. Notice the herd grouping, with the lone "brown sheep", if you will, going solo to the left. Why is he so shunned, does he smell bad or something?

SLIDE 6Im really proud of myself so far. Right on the clock, every morning, regular as a German train. I should do this for a living, Iím a pro! Call me Willy Wonka

SLIDE 7 Perhaps you have noticed that, although the hues have been fairly consistent load to load, the form factors exhibit a surprising variety. Here we have our first long loaf, with a 180° mid- axial bend . And see how they snuggle, kinda like little puppies. How cute!

SLIDE 8I realize that I am slowly becoming obsessed with the process, and my part in it. I am a bombardier, dropping chocolate depth charges into a porcelain sea. Or a sculptor, extruding clay, his sphincter a precision tool delineating the whorls and subtle undulations of his floating masterpieces.

SLIDE 9Perhaps I missed my true calling in my fruitless pursuit of science. Perhaps, I belong to the lavatory literati, a true poet of poop! Behold, the perfect melange of the solid and the liquid, the dichotomy of tightly packed order, and loose, swirling chaos. Looks kinda like a fractal, huh?

SLIDE 10By now, I feel like Iím moving down a dark tunnel but I canít quite get out the end. Some thing really big is coming, I can feel it. If I just push hard enough, I will get the result Iíve been looking for.

SLIDE 11Iím worried now. There is a depressing sameness to the samples. I used to think regularity was a good thing, but how much more of the same old BROWN can I handle? Almost makes me wish for hemorrhoids, just to put a little COLOR into it, ya know?

SLIDE 12 Iíve tried and tried, but as carefully as I analyze my food intake, I can find NO correlation to the resulting turd production. Upon very close examination of the results, I can only report that it STINKS.

SLIDE 13Now Iím starting to lose it. I wonder if the experiment is reversible. If I start eating this stuff, will I get regular food out the other side. Iíve always had a passion for fudge MMMMMMMM!

SLIDE 14I have finally reached the tail end of my study, Iím at the end of my roll. But can I honestly record my conclusions as valid, or should I just wipe it clean and start all over again? My thoughts circle around and around, even as they lead me down the hole to my final destiny.

SLIDE 15 I expect that my peers in the scientific community will reject my results, and maybe mock my methodogy. But yet, as you can see, I have worked hard to squeeze out a large mass of data. Surely SOMEONE out there could make use of it. Maybe private enterprise. But what industry could possible make use of large piles of shit? I dunno, maybe the advertising industry could profit from throwing this brown gold around. But who would be the right client? Is there some product that I could possibly represent, to make money off my hard-earned researched?

Beats the shit out of me!