Last Friday, about 15 Cacophonists gathered in the Flower Street Bar at the Bonaventure Hotel for a few rousing games of barroom bingo.Unfortunately, the place was dead. So, while we waited for stragglers, we had drinks and reviewed the bingo directions. We learned that we had some first-time Cacophonists among us, including Janer Hypercleets (spelling?), formerly of the Church of the Subgenius, resplendent in a glitter coat. Chuckles also attended, looking 100% business in a conservative Navy suit.

Another gentleman came dressed in a tux (please forgive me, I should know your name). So we cut quite a wake behind us as we toured the hotel. We rode the elevators (so alarming fellow vertical travelers that, in each instance, they bailed at the next available floor), traipsed 360 degrees around the revolving cocktail lounge (much to the dismay of the wait-staff), and toured the service floor. Then on across the pedestrian bridge to McCormick and Schmick's, where we found suitable barroom action.

Amid drinks and aerodynamic fun with appetizers (you know who you are), we played a couple rounds of bingo. As explained on the instructions, players marked off their bingo cards by observing either a type of person (each assigned a name) or a behavior. I handed out cards, collected the kitty, and arbitrated. We yelled out the names of the types as we spotted 'em. We yelled "bingo!" Some folks walked around the bar with their bingo cards looking for better vantage points. The natives were so into their mating rituals no one paid the slightest attention to us.

Our short attention spans being bridged by two games, Chuckes and Adam ended the evening by enacting most of the behaviors listed on the cards, to the amusement of everyone paying attention. I handed out souvenir cards and we headed off into the night, with plans to do it again, having learned the following strategic points: -the cards we had worked pretty well. Types and behaviors could be added to, as long as they are clearly defined. -the game would work best in a big place with a reputation as a meat market, such as TGIF's -Wherever it's done, the players need tables with good lines of sight -there's no need to be discrete about playing the game-no one's paying attention to that. They're too busy with Furtive Stare at Butt, Head Toss, etc.

The directions proved quite popular, so I append them for your reading pleasure. Many thanks to ERIC HOWARD for his help in writing them and producing the cards.

 Regards, Alabaster


Yuppie Pickup Bingo Rules and Glossary

* $1 to play each game, winner takes all.

* Other prizes to be announced or given as level of inebriation increases.

* If you want to go to the bar to elicit behaviors, you are welcome to.

However, if you're caught (your subject catches on that something's up),

you're barred from further play (with the bingo cards, that is).

* The rest of the players at your table should confirm claimed sightings.

If it happens too fast too often, we will begin to get suspicious.





Brad (Business suit and cowboy boots)

Brent ("Industry" satin jacket with name of movie on he purportedly worked


Buffy (The female version of Studly.)

Career Girls' Night Out (A group of women in gray suits sipping white wine

or frozen drink with umbrellas.)

Crystal (Marketing Coordinator on the prowl, aka "booth bunnie." Travels in

pairs or with a Randy)

Dilbert (young Dumpy)

Dumpy (a male or female who exudes middle-agedness, wearing rumpled white

shirt and cheap suit. Has "mortgage" written on forehead.)

Elvis (Big fat guy.)

Go with the faux (bleached super blonde or super redhead, but not in

"trendy" way)

Hot Top (A guy wearing a toupee.)

Intensity (A male or female whose true emotions are too on display.)

Joe (Baseball cap backwards)

Miriam (old gal dressing too young.)

Nancy (Female Elvis. Big hair, nails.)

Office gals (Seen in groups, geeky, low IQ, secretarial pool.)

Randy (A male version of Crystal [marketing weasel on the prowl]. Travels

in pairs)

Ronald (Balding with ponytail)

Staci (Obvious boob job.)

Studly (A well-dressed, groomed Yuppie male. Brent Easton Ellis type.)

VIP (gets page or talks on cell phone)

Wanda ("Fuck me" pumps)

Wally (sports attire. Obviously low IQ, but gregarious. Hangs out with

other Wallys)

Worka-alcoholic (Brings big briefcase into bar.)



"Really? wow!"

"A toast!"

apply lipstick

back-seat bartending (male tells bartender how to make the drinks)


big smile

buy drink (for another)

"Can I buy you a drink?"

card exchange

change of seats (musical chairs)

chin out chest-puffing stretch (male display of chest)

cleavage display

cleavage stare

conversation piece (photo, interesting key chain, watch, whatever)

dance moves (with arms/upper body)

deep eye contact (over 3 seconds)

feat of manly strength

flirt with waitress/waiter

full-body look

furtive stare at butt

hair flip/head toss (female)

hair twirl (twirling strand of hair around finger)

hands touch/holding hands

keys (to high-end car, on bar)

laugh so hard (I gotta put my hand on your shoulder to steady myself)

lean in closer to hear better

leaves big tip

light touch on arm

lint picking (A picks thread off clothes of B)

much money on bar

note exchange

PDA (public display of affection)

personal space (lean across or into)

point with finger to make point

requests songs

runs hand through hair

smell my perfume

smile apology

suggestive fidgeting

sunglasses (at night)

tongue across lips

toss-head-back laugh

watch display by man

whispers between girlfriends